Kate Horowitz
UNTIL I AM READY TO BE ANGRY ALL MY ANGERS WILL BE IRRATIONAL
1.
moonlight is just reflected sunlight
which means a vampire is never
truly safe, not even at night
2.
the silver umbrella i carry is large and mortifying
3.
none of my clothes fit me
4.
the man on the sidewalk hollers
it isn’t raining
he is angry like i am insulting him personally
on purpose
by carrying an umbrella
5.
when i mention that my skin reacts
to sunlight somebody always says
vampire
sometimes somebody is me
to laugh at your own
disease is to show humility
did you hear the one about the goth girl who
6.
the reflective silver
umbrella i have to carry is heavy
and hurts my wrist
7.
every time i put on my knee braces
i rediscover what it means
to have legs
that work
the minute they’re are on i remember
that for most people walking is easy
that walking should not be hard
8.
the dermatologist rolled his eyes
you probably just like feeling special
9.
my knee braces were designed
by men to fit
under men’s clothing
they do not fit
under my clothing:
i do not wear them
10.
my clothes look like a teenager’s hand-me-
downs or gym clothes someone
threw away
11.
my stepmother rolled her eyes
she’s just doing it for attention
12.
it was anaphylaxis
13.
i can’t buy new clothes because nothing fits me
because i am bony and bulgy and too short in some places and too long in others and my hips
are not where or how a woman’s hips are supposed to be
women are not supposed to be bony-bulgy short-long
women are not supposed to be
14.
so i give up in Target and plunk down
$15 for a sloppy floral romper i will never wear
out of the house
15.
i am too tired,
too clumsy to learn
how to tailor my clothes
16.
i can’t even look at myself
in the mirror
17.
i never leave the house anyway
18.
i never leave the house
because slouching down the block in shabby
sweats i am still reduced
to a fuckable object
19.
just being friendly
20.
they snatch at my silver umbrella
it isn’t raining
21.
and now the moon is out and she understands
everything but i am too betrayed by her
cheap sun trick to go
and see her
and i am jealous
because even in her bone-bulge
she is perfect
and even bare-ass naked
she is untouchable
and even bathed
in sunlight she is safe