Sheila McMullin
OF PRESENCE, IF IT SHOULD BE INHERITED, T.T.C.
Today we switch / you be Eve and I’ll be the extraterrestrial
I was a girl once / light fracturing to touch me
under the cartilage of my first wound words fall from my lips / toads out of my mouth / jewels out of my mouth / hands cupped over mirrors /
under the cartilage of my first wound / an old woman in a photograph / a photograph of five generations of women / an old woman, once a young mother, caught in domestic violence / as her daughter ran / police sirens
under the cartilage of my first wound / my great great grandfather’s suicide / those who witnessed / the mother who protected her children / the daughter who ran to protect herself / one day gives birth to my grandmother
this is the memory passed down / through skin and muscle /
under the cartilage of my first wound / her eyes won’t meet mine / arms folded /
the inherited body / how to retract
three generations / in one pregnant person / the parent, the fetus, the fetus’ eggs forming in the developing ovaries /
Now, I’ll be Eve and you be the extraterrestrial
light refracts / I was a girl once under water
Tomorrow in the middle of the night I will wake up with blood between my legs / I will learn I am not pregnant / even though I have been trying /
under the cartilage of my first wound / a presumption the body behaves / the price of piecemealing history / hypervigilance
under the cartilage of my very first wound / advice / happens all the time / keep trying / let it happen naturally /
this too is the effort of my mother / the blood has to go somewhere / I blame the memory of biology /
Data is supposed to have power / tell me which herbs to take / help doctors intervene / intervene upon a body that began learning its place generations ago
under the cartilage of my first wound / months / I am dutifully tracking my cycle and basal body temperature / reading books / improving my body literacy / taking vitamins / avoiding foods / listening to doctors / and my temperature elevates / I am late / diligence is rewarded /
under the cartilage of my first wound / there is blood between my legs / meaning-making my inabilities / month after month after month after month after month
under the cartilage of my very first wound / data as the tool of control / soothing the inflamed inheritance / we fought to create life before / would it end with me
under the cartilage of my first wound / a decision to stop /
the blood has to go somewhere / learn to look at myself while angry / but not angry at myself
Again let’s switch / I’m the extraterrestrial now / and you go be Eve
I was a girl once under water / bending the light for capture
under the cartilage of my first wound / I can tell you what it offers
The nascence / and the dying process / to gain this life while losing it
It is not your job to dedicate to one version of any story for a lifetime /nor offer your body as the venue of high-minded debate /
Although, I do pray for a greater capacity / to meet disappointment at the pain belying details /
Keep pace with the speed of meaning-making / digest the pain / not pass it on